Browse Professor Quotes

When you make assumptions, you make an ass out of you...and that's it. I'm not involved.

—Prof. Bob Cammarata, Electronic, Magnetic, and Optical Properties of Materials

I want to talk about a larger aspect of this field of nuclear import and export. Sounds like something North Korea is doing.

—Professor Cunningham, talking about NPCs

 Because there are too many transposes and I'm starting to get annoyed...

——Dr. Vidal, justifying taking the transposes of already transposed matrices, during Controls Lecture

 If there are two possibilities and one is stupid, we'll reject that one in favor of the other.

—Professor Fishkind, Probability and Statistics for Biological Sciences, explaining the Sherlock Holmes Principle

Aha! 

—Dr. Vidal, Common Catch Phrase during Controls Lecture

 It's like the right hand scratching the left hand!

—Dr. Miller, in BME Systems and Controls lecture

 You're all screwed!

—Dr. Miller in BME Systems and Controls, upon learning that students forgot an obscure complex number formula

 If it walks like a duck... 

—Professor Fishkind, Probability and Statistics for Biological Sciences, common catch phrase during proofs

..and this term, well, it just kills itself!

—Professor Fishkind, Probability and Statistics for Biological Sciences, explaining why a term equals zero
So apparently, black people like to kill each other and white people like to kill themselves.
—Professor LaVeist, Cultural Factors of Public Health, commenting on homicide and suicide rates in various populations.
Kant is a castrate, but he has a really long dick
—Professor Culbert, Theories of Political Authority: discussing Nietzsche's interpretation of Kant
I have to ask you not to stroke that animal in class, it will distract me to no end. Or I might ask for a piece of the action.
—Prof. Zucker refering to a stuffed bean filled dog
It means you first add one reactant, then isolate your product and add the other reactant. Otherwise there is a lot of heat produced and an explosion and.... just add them one at a time.
—Professor Klien, Intermediate Orgo, Answering why a semicolon was being used in a reaction
Teatching is a strange business. Its the only place where the customer wants *less* for his money.
—Prof. Katz, M.E. Thermodynamics. Talking about how excited everyone was when he mentioned it was the last class of the Semester.
The more I think about it, the more I don't know
—TA Joshua Neuheisel, when asked about the content of the Linear Algebra exam.
I will not tolerate such diabolical impertinence from an insignificant individual such as you, and furthermore do not perplex my intellect and get me bombastically vexed!
—Stella Joseph, Form IV History Teacher, Holy Name Convent, Port-of-Spain, Trinidad.
This guy's got a stiff neck, because he fell asleep leaning way over. You need to prop your head up straighter.
—Professor Marsh, Guided Tour of the Planets, after noticing a sleeping student wake up.
You can't bite your teeth, you can take your teeth out of your mouth and bite them-but you can't bite your teeth. Yes, this is the breakthrough though of the semester.
—Prof. Raifman, Law and Psychology- When explaining the motivation behind defendants actions.
I wanted to tell you about Joe Millionaire, but I didn’t see it. I would have to ask my colleagues but they’re not all watching Joe Millionaire. I hope I can study it deeper and tell you more about it next time.
—<i>- Professor Krause, Elements of Macroeconomics, on the important lessons that can be learned from Joe Millionaire</i>
I have no idea what 'fl dot oz' (fl.oz) is. I'm totally lost.
—<i>- Professor Krause, Elements of Macroeconomics, on the differences in units of measure between Germany and the US</i>
You can't get rid of me, I've got tenure!
—<i>- Professor Wilson, Linear Algebra</i>
By the way, I saw my quote on the Daily Jolt. I guess I have to watch what I say. I just hope the chairman didn't see it....
—Prof. Adam Cannon, in Discrete Math Class regarding a quote on blackboard-erasing and booty-shaking
Some of you may know children. Some of you may even like them.

But to the mind of the Water Sanitation Engineer, these Self-Propelled Fecal Dispension Units are the bane of your existence!

No one has told them that what they're dropping in the middle of the refugee camp is not only a pile of bad manners, but will contaminate the ground water for thousands of people.
—Prof Les Roberts, "Water and Sanitation Needs in Complex Humanitarian Emergencies" - on oral-fecal transmission of vector-borne infectious diseases, at the Hopkins School of Public Health
I don't do arithmetic. I do math. If you want arithmetic, then you can train ponies or something.
—Prof.William Minicozzi, Calc2, Mathematics department, when he was trying to add 1+(1/10)+(1/200) on April 12,2004
If morale is high, then you won't steal pencils from your desk. Which is really temptimg...and easy.
—<i>- Professor Krause, Elements of Macroeconomics, on how keeping morale high in the workplace with high wages increases the effort of the workers</i>
male student: so there is no time limit on the tests?
Prof. Hufnagel: well, if you and I are still there at 3 am I am going to have a hard time explaining it to my wife.
—Proffesor Hufnagel, Mechanical Properties of Materials
I told my wife about the burder of producing 300 million sperm everyday, to which she replied tough shit.
—Professor Zirkin, Reproductive Physiology
What we can do with our tongues is amazing!
—Dr. Cone, that was all I wrote down so I don't know what we were learning
Where did they go before the piers? The backs of parked cars?
—Professor Ginsberg referring to the arguement that NYC piers could not be demolished because the striped bass needed the piers to spawn.
Of course, you know, any three points determine a plane... Now, you could take three points to be the same point, but that's just about the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
—<i>-Professor Zucker, Calculus III</i>
My inner child always wanted to be a pirate.
—Professor Bok, Bioethics
This DNA sequence is called a palindrome. For example, A man, a plan, a canal--Panama is a palindrome. But my favorite is Sex at noon, taxes.
I know, its almost noon.
—Prof Bessman, Biochemistry
This time, the person who wrote it was not on crack
—Professor Hatfield, talking about the difficulty of the reading comprehension section of a spanish test
Let me tell you how I make up the exam. Contrary to Hopkins lore, I'm completely sober when I write it.
—Professor Schildbach, Biochemistry
And why I say liberal, I'm not talking about a know-it-all elitest from the northeast who thinks that Kerry is better than Bush
—Dr. Blyth explaning classical liberalism
Not all obscenity is pornographic, but most of the good stuff is.
—Doug Sandhaus, Law & the Internet
And that's great... Wait, no... what do you people say now? 'Word'?
—Prof. Rugh, Signals & Systems
Is that because the HAC lab is the technological equivalent of a house of prostitution?
—Dr. Forni, after finding out a virus on a HAC lab computer destroyed a student's paper
Its like when you were playing that Hi-Lo game with your kid brother and you say I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 1000. He says 52 and you smack him across the face.
—Prof. Goodrich Data Structures Explaining when throwing an exception is fair to the user.
For the exam you don't have to memorize the full ASCII to hex table. If you do, I'll give you the geek of the year award.
—Louis Whitcomb, Robot Sensors and Actuators
Getting possessed by Tagalog speaking dwarves isn't something I normally do.
—Professor Cannell, The Philippines in Ethnographic Context, on spirit mediumship and fieldwork
I'm not saying that you can't write about masturbation. You can write about it as much as you want. Just don't end your masturbation scenes with the phrase 'when he was finished...'
—<i>Tristan Davies, Story and Plot</i>
When I was a kid I used to look at peanuts and open them up and see a little Santa Claus sticking out. Santa Claus is actually the cotyledon.
—<i>Dr. Doug Fambrough while drawing a santa claus sticking out of a peanut in General Biology</i>
Student: Is the answer rho sine theta cosine phi?
Zucker: NO! ...Well, that may be right, but I don't want to hear it.
—Prof. Zucker, in Honors Multivariable Calc, on a rather painful integration
You think the ventilation is good in this building? I can assure you that it is not
—Prof. Lectka orgo on Mudd hall
I'm really a sneaky little bastard when you get right down to it.
—Professor Steven Zucker, Honors Multivariable Calculus and Linear Algebra
Why stop at an SUV? I mean, you could buy a tank, couldn't you? Well, in the U.S., you CAN buy a tank, which is really fucked up if you ask me!
—</i>Professor Blyth, Intro. to Political Economy II, talking about buying different types of automobiles</i>
I think that if you are a great artist or sculptor, you don't need to have a personality, because who wants to talk to you anyway?
—<i>Angshuman Chakraborty, IFP II</i>
Well I took this figure from the book... and then made it more confusing.
—Dr. Yarkony explaining why we can never understand his figures
Don't ask me about the DAMN syllabus and we won't worry about it!
—<i>Dr. Lectka, agitated that students complain about being chapters behind</i>
Ok, Gauss figured this out when he was four, and you can't tell me it now?
—Prof. Cannon, Discrete Math. Asking for some formula.
Lets go map the human genome! You can, I'm gonna go pick my ass.
—<i>Professor Blyth, Intro. to the Political Economy, giving a criticism of Utilitarianism</i>
These carts used to be made better, but now they're JUNK! Probably because they're made in China... little girls in sweatshops don't know anything about conservation of momentum.
—Professor Chien, while talking about the carts he was using to demonstrate Conservation of Momentum
I am told that the pain receptors dont form by this stage, so it wont feel a thing. And I would have also doused it with excessive ethanol before this..... so its pretty drunk.
—Professor R. Horner, Cell Bio Lab, about beheading a chick embryo to obtain neural tissue for lab.
Now gastropods, you see, have moved their anus to over their heads, which doesn't really make sense. Why would you want to shit on your own head?
—Professor Stanley, Invertebrate Paleobiology
They will be changing the locks on the doors of this building tomorrow, I guess to keep us from being contaminated by the Baltimore locals.
—Professor Yarowsky, Information Retrieval and Web Agents, referring to Spring Fair weekend.
I have a problem with 'penis'- its such a sterile term. What happened to the classics like 'tallywhacker', 'pecker', or 'member'? Don't those 'Beavis and Butthead' fellows say 'member'?
—Professor Hudgins discussing a poem in workshop
I'm sure you'll all do better on the next one. Hell, most of you can't do much worse.
—Dr. James Martino with regard to the first midterm. (The average was 30) Calculus II for Engineers.
I thought I turned my vibrator on
—Dr. Miller in BME Systems and Controls when his cell phone rings half way through class
I realized at that moment, there we were... three homos having a baby
—Professor Kraft, Origins of Human Sexual Variations
Shit, this is the best looking god-damned code I've ever seen!
—<i>Dr. Jenkins (ECE) explaining how people should react when looking at your code</i>
I don't do arithmetic... you could teach a pony to do arithmetic.
—Professor Minicozzi, Calculus II.
An overnight security job would be a wet dream for a schizoid personality!
—<i>Dr. Aaron Noonberg, Intro Abnormal Psychology</i>
I think you should have sex before marriage, definitely.
—<i>- Prof. Sonia Ryang on premarital sex and the sex life in Japanese culture, Self and Freedom in Japanese Society.</i>
C'mon, on your knees!
—Dr. Eileen Haase, Biomedical Molecules and Cells, regarding the reduction of NADH in oxidative phosphorylation.
This is gonna be hard. I can't tell any of the asian kids apart.
—Lester Su, Mech E Computing, Returing Homework. He has a photographic memory and knows 80% of a class of about 75 by name.
Here's me, here's my dog, and here are some dead turtles. This is a true story... My dog really liked the dead turtles. I didn't like the dead turtles.
—<i>Dr. Drigotas, Social Psychology</i>
Oh, well feel free to bring a keg.
—<i>Dr. Broholm, Electromagnetic Theory. In response to the realization that a student's 21st birthday fell on the day of a final exam review session.</i>
One of the reasons that cheaper booze gives you a higher buzz is because of the myriad of higher alcohols in it; and they're not good for you, trust me, from personal experience...
—Prof Lectka, Orgo 2, on alcohol dehydrogenases and the human liver
Today inflation targets are to economic theory like what 50 cent is to rap music.
—Professor Ball, describing shifting Central Bank trends in his monetary analysis class.
Damn right! Oh, oh! Out of the park! And if you'd you'd come up with that about a decade ago, you would've won a Nobel prize--sucks for you.
—Professor Joel Schildbach, responding to a student's comment about the incomplete rotation of ATPase
And then he called me a Yuppie bitch! Whatever that means!?
—Professor Yuppie, Towson U.
Does this make sense? It does? Does three over horse make sense?
—Prof Florin Spinu, Calc III
If you're going to do something like that, you should take it all off
—Professor Lectka, after a frat pledge went through orgo lecture in his boxers, stopping occasionally to pose while flexing muscles. There was bad music coming from the halls.
This is how you can tell the difference between light and matter: when you are hit by matter, it hurts
—Professor Yarkony, Chemistry 102
So you have a German out there in the bog, just picking a flower for his wife, then oops! Quicksand! He's dead.
—Professor Nurenberg, OccCiv Medieval World
Overall I think the lab was a big success besides the fact that a few of you got mercury exposure.
—Lester Su, Intro to Fluids
It's not like porn - There's no money shot in 'Our Town.'
—Will Miller, Acting/Directing I
Ohhh... [Sigh] Now this is where all hell breaks loose, and you will all end up looking at me with dazed and confused faces.
—Prof Schildbach, on the intricacies of metabolism regulation (Biochem)
Do I still have to teach if nobody shows up?
—<i>Professor Karweit, What is Engineering, as he looks over his rather empty classroom.</i>
It's called 'hyper... hyper...,' whatever, they'll teach you in med school.
—Professor Hattar on hyperalgesia. Cellular Molecular Neuroscience
All those people who tell you what your dream means only want to steal your money and make you happier about your future.
—Professor Hattar. Cellular Molecular Neuroscience
Can you guys hear me in the back? Is the mic working? No? Oh. That's what happens when I wear a low cut top, she said, while fidgeting with the small mic on the revealing part her V-shaped blouse.
—At that moment Dr. Schroer felt the eyes of 300 students staring at her breasts in Hodson lecture hall during Cell Bio. She instantly went bright bright red in the face.
Student(referring to the overhead projector): It's losing focus.
Kumar: Yeah, just like the rest of you.
—<i>Professor Subodh Kumar, Advanced Graphics 600.457.</i>
I've been receiving some e-mails about senior option... To all seniors: Fuck Off and take the damn test.
—<i>Professor Blyth, Intro to Political Economy</i>
When a depleted uranium round goes through a tank, it sprays the interior of the tank with hundreds of tiny shards of burning metal. For the Iraqi's inside, that's unhealthy.
—<i>Prof Deudney, IR Theory- Realism seminar</i>
The Democrats are stuck between Iraq and a hard place.
—Professor Joel Grossman, American Constitutional Law
I always wanted to grow up and look like the Pillsbury doughboy. How'd I do? Everybody has to have a goal in life.
—Doug Sandhaus, Law & the Internet
That's not even like comparing apples and oranges. That's like comparing apples and concrete.
—Professor Klein, Organic Chemistry I
People will come up to you and say, 'You're an archeologist? I can dig that!' Sometimes you have to be really patient with people.
—Professor Glenn Schwartz, Introduction to Archeology
A three month old just thinks you have to touch somebody... a four to five month old thinks it doesn't matter where, but you just need somebody beneath you... a twelve month old would say 'whoa, what's he doing?'
—Dr. Halberda, describing the refinements of core knowledge
I don't need to prove that I'm smarter than you.
—Professor Katz, Mech. Eng. Thermodynamics, on his philosophy behind writing the mid-term.
Um, I don't know if there are mosh pits anymore. I don't know anything. But let us assume that there is still the phenomenon of the mosh pit. Not that I've had one formed during a lecture, but nevermind.
—Professor Schildbach, Biochemistry, explaining the concept of cholesterol function in phospholipid membranes
It is okay when a boy does not understand a girl, or when a man does not understand a woman...but it is not okay that when I was going through your textbook I realized that I do not understand the material I will be teaching to you today.
—Prof. Zhang, during his introducion to linear transformations in calc 3
Neural circuits are adapted for reproductive success at some level, except the ones that cause you to play playstation for 4 or 5 hours instead of looking for a date.
—<i>- Dr. Fortune while looking at the graduate TA who is busy turning red</i>
My wife is an anthropologist, and she and her friend are having a session on the orgasm. I am also involved.
—Professor Cone in Cellular and Molecular Physiology before telling his students about his presentation at the seminar.
Beethoven's sonata form is like baking muffins. At first, the muffins are just baking nicely, and then all of a sudden the muffins climb out of the pan and take over the kitchen! They start climbing on the walls!!
—Professor Talle, Western Classical Music, trying to describe the difference between typical sonata form and Beethoven's sonata form
This drug will cure my headache, but also give me massive diarrhea.
—Professor Samar Hatter telling us to be certain of all drug's effects before we use them. Cellular and Molecular Neuroscience.
... yes,... Water DOES need to be dehydrated to pass through a membrane.
—Professor Schildbach, discussing how water can pass through a cell membrane
One freaky way of studying, is studying right before you you go to sleep, this way you dream about the material. Extra studying time! Also called Organic Chemistry nightmares.
—<i>Dr. Klein in Intermediate Organic Chemistry</i>

 1  2   Next